Not Enough Adjectives

I’m not sure how to describe the chronic pain I’ve been in for years. Usually I don’t talk about any of it, except when pregnant, because in my mind it’s acceptable to complain then to anyone and everyone because pregnancy is awful. But now I’m not pregnant. But I hurt.

Many years ago I was in a really bad car accident. I had no outward injuries and no noticeable internal injuries either. But here I am, with unbearable neck pain. I’ve been to physical therapy, acupuncture and OMT. And for a while I am better. But the muscle that causes all this pain is back to being rock hard. It’s so hard it feels like bone. So back I go to a new OMT. My next option: pain management.

And that’s just my neck. My sciatica nerve pain never went away after my first pregnancy but for a while it was manageable. Then I got my walking boot for tendinitis, which made me walk cockeyed and my hip hasn’t been the same since. It’s back to the worst it’s ever been.

My right wrist has carpal tunnel that my doctor said would likely go away after pregnancy. I’m not giving up hope as I know there’s still hormones making my body do crazy things while I’m breastfeeding. But it really hurts and since I type at a computer all day long, this one is the most troubling.

On the right side of my body alone, it’s my neck, sciatica nerve, wrist and ankle. I’ve had to stop feeding the baby lying down because the position made my muscles hurt even more in my neck and caused the pain to travel to my shoulder and upper arm. In addition to pain, I’m also up more at night because walking down a hall to feed the baby is a lot more disruptive than feeding him in bed.

I am so tired. I hurt. I never talk about it because I don’t know how to describe the pain and I don’t want to complain all the time. It’s not like I’m dying or have an emergent situation. I feel selfish. So many people have it worse than me.

I just want to have enough energy to go to the gym or do yoga but the vicious cycle of pain makes that feel impossible.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope we can all be a little kinder to the people around us. We are all going through something: emotionally, physically, spiritually and while it may be invisible, that giant rock pressing down on our bodies and souls is getting heavier. Let’s be kind


One thought on “Not Enough Adjectives

  1. I’m so sorry about your pain! You are so stoic. Your thoughts remind me of my favorite quote(slightly adapted) from Plato – “Be kinder than necessary…everyone is fighting their own battle.”

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