The Unanswerable Questions

We spend a lot of time in the car and most of the time we listen to music and Future President tells me about something he saw on one of his shows (“Mommy, did you know Pinky Pie doesn’t wear a crown? But she’s the queen?”), but sometimes he’ll ask me the most pressing questions that he wants an answer to RIGHT NOW.

Last week it was, “Are we rich?” Today it was, “Why does it take so long to be a grown up?”

I, of course, didn’t have answers to either question, so I did what any good parent would do and turned the questions back to him. “Do you think we’re rich?” “Why do you want to be a grown up?”

And like any child of two law-trained parents, he had to define the terms first. “What does it mean to be rich?” I again turned it back to him. “What do you think it means to be rich?” “Bananas,” he said, and made a funny face, then put his sockless foot in his brother’s face.

“I want to be a grown up so I can play with my kids,” he informed me this morning. I assured him he would get to do that, but he should enjoy being a kid. “Yeah, I get to play all day and you don’t,” he agreed.

“Yup,” I said, and after drop off, I turned up the radio and sang as loudly as I could.

 

It’s All About Me

Almost 19 months after my second son was born, and here we are: me, hating my body, me, feeling no self worth, and it’s time for this to stop.

I owe it to myself, first and foremost, to stop with the self-hatred. I owe it to my husband, who tells me daily that I’m beautiful, even more beautiful than when we first met, to stop saying, no, no I’m not, I’m ugly. I owe it to my kids, who deserve to be raised in a family where body shaming is banned, especially by their mother about herself.

I’m buying myself a fitness tracker for Mother’s Day – whether it’s the Apple watch, or something cheaper – and I’m choosing me. I’m going to buy myself comfortable walking shoes and find athletic socks without holes somewhere in my drawer. I’m going to download the C25K app and I’m going to learn how to run and not let my heavy boobs be an excuse any more.

Last week, when I made this decision to love me, I took a walk after the baby went to sleep. It was still light out and my walk took me down a path where I could see Mt. St. Helens from a vantage point I didn’t know existed so close to my house.

I will never be skinny, but that’s not my goal. My goal is to be healthy and happy in the body I’ve been given. Let the self-hatred be blown to smithereens.

Deep Questions with Future President

  1. Do Angels ever sleep?
  2. Why was Jesus the Son of God?
  3. How could Jesus be big in heaven and then a baby on earth?
  4. When the bad men came to find Jesus, why didn’t he just say no, I’m not the one you’re looking for? 
  5. What is Great-Grandma dreaming about while she’s asleep in the grave? 

Life Lately

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blogging hiatus to post on life around here lately. I miss writing, and last night I started writing blog posts in my head, so here we are.

Future President turned 5. (!!!) Where did the time go? He had a castle themed birthday party and we invited all of his friends and their parents and siblings. Our new house can hold a LOT of people. Now we just need more furniture so our guests don’t have to sit on the floor.

Future President is perfecting his filibuster techniques. Last night his reasons for not going to bed ranged from being upset because we threw away an American flag balloon and he was sad “part of American died” to “Jesus won’t let me close my eyes.”

Junior is 18 months old and alternates from being really needy to wanting his independence in a span of 3 seconds. He doesn’t have many words yet, but those he knows he says very emphatically: “Hot!,” “Woah!,” “Wow!,” “Uh-oh!,” “Mama!,” “Dada!” and one of his favorite tricks is making an elephant noise and pretending his arm is an elephant’s trunk. It’s adorable. Last week he said, “I want Mama,” which of course he spoke two days before I left for a work trip.

We switched insurance companies because our PPO plan tripled the family deductible. So far my experience with an HMO is awful and when I joked with a doctor about entering HMO hell, I didn’t know I was being prophetic. We have to survive HMO hell until next April, when I’m hoping my employer has a better, cheaper PPO option.  If they don’t, I might decline employer-provided insurance completely and choose something on the open market. It’s so ridiculous that my employer can’t provide decent health insurance options, and while I’m sort of apolitical (despite being married to a super political person), whichever candidate can give me better health insurance options is who I’ll vote for this year.

Speaking of my super political husband: he was just appointed to our city’s planning commission and was elected as a delegate to the state’s Republican convention. I’m super proud of him, and despite my own personal disgust with the Republican party, my husband is the type of Republican that should be running the party. If he ever runs for office, I’m voting for him!

So – what’s been going on with you, blogosphere? Anyone out there?

 

One

One year ago today I was in the hospital and Junior was about 5 hours old. I had no idea the journey we would be on for the next three months and that I would experience some of the hardest parenting moments of my life: a visit to the ER, numerous visits to lactation consultants and triple feeding all day and night so he would finally gain weight and kick the jaundice out of his system. 

But here we are a year later. At a year, he’s wearing 18 month clothes and crawling so much and so fast I fear those delicious baby-fat thighs will disappear. 

My baby will always be my baby, just as Future President will always be my baby. But the muscle memory has faded and I can’t even remember what 6lbs 2oz feels like; instead I have 25lbs to carry and snuggle. He’s been waking up at 11 and again between 3 and 4 every night and I don’t mind because he’s my last baby and these nighttime snuggles are so precious. 

Happy birthday, Junior. We love you. 

Four Days Later

I’m sitting in my new house getting more and more agitated by the minute. The internet serviceman isn’t here, nor has the fridge been delivered and I feel like an entire morning has been wasted because there is still more packing to be done at the old house. 

I did, however, unpack all of my clothes, most of the kitchen stuff and I organized my side of the built in bookcase. As a librarian, it breaks my heart a little to say this, but the books are now organized by color.  

 It still needs some sprucing up, but I actually really like the way it looks. I even kept my copy of the Twilight books because I love the spines! 

While unpacking the kitchen stuff, I opened a gravy dish for the first time since it was given to us 10 years ago at our wedding. It’s cracked. I debated a long time about how long to keep spices. I organized my closet in the KonMari method. I made another stack of clothes to take to Goodwill.

So I guess the morning wasn’t a total waste, but I feel very strongly that CenturyLink should give their customers at least a four hour window instead of saying “we’ll be there between 9 and 5.” 

4 Ibuprofen, 3 Large Pizzas, 2 Kids & 1 Llama Trailer

  Home. Owners.

I still can’t believe it, even after three nights in our new house. Maybe it’s because half our stuff is still at the old house and we’re living without a fridge or washer and dryer. Thankfully, the fridge should be delivered tomorrow and the washer and dryer sometime next week. 

On Sunday a few friends helped move most of the furniture into my father-in-law’s llama trailer and after four or five trips back and forth, the old house was almost empty of furniture. Today in working on packing up the kitchen, bathrooms and the last of the clothes. 

I’m debating whether I’ll be ready to throw Junior a birthday party in a week but I’m leaning towards a housewarming party later in the month that might pull double duty as his birthday party. Hopefully by then we’ll have a couch! 

Both boys have adjusted really well to sleeping in their new rooms, which is wonderful news considering Junior’s crib is still at the old house and he’s been sleeping in the pack n play. I was mostly worried about Future President but he is enjoying the new Lightning McQueen bedding I bought and having all of his toys and books in one place. I think it also helps that we visited the new house in all phases of development so he literally has been ready to sleep in it since the concrete was poured. 

Last night I was going through my books and making a huge giveaway pile. I still have English textbooks from high school with notes and quizzes tucked into the pages. My husband cannot understand why I’m getting rid of them. “Look, you got a perfect score on that quiz,” he said. I was pretty impressed myself, considering it was about The Odyssey, a book I still hate. The book and the quiz remained in the discard pile. 

  
We don’t have our TV hooked up yet, so I’m missing season premier week. However, it’s been nice to stop unpacking to take a moment to enjoy the view from the back of the house.